Paul Landlordian
123 Property Ave.
Richtown, CA 99666
Dear Mr. Landlordian,
I’m writing to you in regards to the security deposit I made for my lease at 475 Shady Knoll Drive. As you know, I lived there with my girlfriend for 3 years, right up to the onset of the Apocalypse. I always paid rent both in full and on time through the end of my tenancy, which was only terminated by an Act of God (or Satan depending on who you ask).
I’ve heard through the Underground Communication Network that other than the boils you are alive and doing very well, currently serving as the chief warlord and protector of the downtown Costco as well as the neighboring Dick’s Sporting Goods. It has also been far far more than 21 days since we vacated the unit so I am curious as to why no effort has been made to return our security deposit.
I even conducted a walk-through with Jason the property manager, who happened to be on-site when the zombies first attacked. You can confirm this info via the Instagram stories (viewable via the attached thumb drive) he posted while crying, wetting his pants, and watching my girlfriend and I board up all the doors and windows with the Ikea furniture we had smashed. Not for nothing but that particleboard held up surprisingly well! Much better than Jason himself, God rest his soul.
Anyway, you are more than welcome to deduct the damage done from the shotgun blasts through the living room windows and doors. But please note that other than that and the claw marks/bloodstains on the outside of the unit (clearly not our fault or doing), the property is pretty much in the same condition as when we first moved in.
Money is quickly losing its value and we’d love to be able to stock back up on sufficient rations and supplies, as well as weapons with which to fight the demon hordes before our quadrant is officially reduced to a barter-only system.
Please provide a prompt cash refund of the $2000 or an itemized statement that documents any deductions, as required by State Civil Code. If I do not receive a full refund or itemization of deductions within one week from your receipt of this letter, I will consider the retention of my deposit to be “in bad faith” and will initiate proceedings to personally locate you and take possession (by any means necessary) of goods from either of your retail establishments in equal to the amount due.
It is in your best interest to settle this matter in a timely and efficient fashion. I have trained my delivery falcon Sheila to use a Polaroid camera, so she will return to me with proof that you have received this communication, thus documenting that I have attempted to resolve this matter both peacefully and informally.
I look forward to the prompt return of said security deposit, which can be sent to my new address:
The abandoned mid-city warehouse next to the burnt-out Target across the street from the river of blood that used to be Hometown Buffet.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Sincerely,
M. Henderson