8 Tips for Dating a Comedian (Besides ‘Don’t’)
So you’ve met someone who makes you laugh
So you’ve met someone witty, insouciant, and easyish on the eyes. You’ve done some light Googling, because we live in a world of catfishing and Law & Order: SVU marathons…and what was that profile pic all about, anyway? Lemme guess: It was either a goofy candid integrating a prop, a wry professional headshot, or an iPhone snap of them holding a microphone on a darkened stage.
You’ve come to the conclusion that they’re an up-and-coming stand-up comedian, smartly skipping over their YouTube videos, because you want to be surprised — or at least not severely disappointed — before getting to know them a little better.
Here are some tips to get the most mileage out of your relationship with the person who makes you laugh way more than your ex (who was once lied to that they’re the funniest person in the office).
1. Say No to the Show
You might think a comedy show is a novel and fun first-date suggestion, but it’s not. It’s literally the first thing that comes to mind for someone who is in bars and comedy clubs more nights than not. It’s an exercise in not trying even a little fucking bit.
The fact is, if you go this route, first impressions might not be good. Sure, onstage they’ll seem confident and compelling and like they have their shit together. (Or they’re just pretending that they don’t have their shit together. They’re just pretending! For art’s sake! Right? Right?!?!)
Undoubtedly the show will be way too long, and you’ll be awkwardly hit on from the stage by at least four of the 30 comedians doing a set that night because you sat in the front row and social cues be damned!
2. If the Sex Is Bad, Dump Them Immediately
Far too many cis-guy comedians “joke” about being terrible at sex. On the one hand, good on them for being honest. On the other hand, they’ve been telling that same honest joke for three years, so they obviously don’t take constructive criticism well. It. Will. Never. Get. Better.
3. Become a Hater
So you’ve been seeing each other a few months (or a year and a half), and you’re finally exclusive! You’ve decided to be an ultrasupportive Number One Fan and attend every single show they have within a 50-mile radius.
This is a bad idea if you do not enjoy 1) drunken audience members openly flirting with your person, or 2) being bored out of your mind as they “work the room.” “Working the room” can mean either networking without introducing you to anyone or drinking way too much at the bar without introducing you to anyone.
Plus, if you laugh really hard at the jokes of someone who is better-looking than they are, they’ll notice and pretend to not be riddled with insecurity even though they’re the one who always brings it up whenever you two get into an argument. From that day forward, they’ll always wonder if you really think they’re funny or if you only go to shows because you’re there for them emotionally (ugh).
Let’s face it: It’s way better to start things off with “Oh, comedy? I think I went to a comedy show once. I’m pretty sure I hated it. Please don’t ever bring this up again.”
4. Mi Therapist Es Su Therapist
Comedians are notorious for having inappropriate emotional responses to things that would make normal people’s faces leak tiny streams of salty water.
“How can I process this in a timely and psychologically healthy way?” will always play second ukelele to “How can I make this funny?” Many of us also think antidepressants and therapy will derail our careers by healing whatever traumas made us fucking hilarious.
The solution? Slip business cards for highly recommended shrinks into any notebook you might find, and then casually mention how often your therapist laughs at your stories.
5. Don’t Tell Your Family Their Last Name
Your mom will definitely follow (because her friend request was rejected) your person on Facebook or Twitter and “like” jokes about your sex life. Your uncle with undiagnosed Asperger’s will secretly watch a YouTube video of their most risqué performance and then loudly dictate it to your grandparents at the next holiday gathering.
Please don’t ask them to do a few jokes on a stage at your parents’ anniversary party. Or at your niece’s baptism. Unless there’s a lot of money involved, in which case they’ll agree to do it enthusiastically while hating every second of it.
6. Keep Things on Your Turf
Against your better judgment, you say, “Hey, let’s move in together!” because you both want to save money in the most expensive city in the world, and only one of you has a job that pays a comfortable living wage. (Hint: It’s you.)
Be sure to have them move into your place instead of vice versa. Here’s why: If it’s more your place than theirs, they’ll feel bad about constantly having their “between jobs/apartments/existential crises” friends crash on the couch or in a tent on the balcony or in the tub. I mean, they’ll still do it, but they’ll feel really bad about it.
7. Joke Theft Will Save Your Life
Oh, no, you broke up! If you find a bunch of notebooks while waiting for the movers (three friends who were promised pizza and beer) to pick up their shit, definitely burn them very dramatically in a wastebasket, because there are jokes about you chicken-scratched into every single one of them. Probably also in their iPhone’s notes. Fuck it, take the phone, too, and flush it down the toilet.
Will this make you a terrible person? Maybe. But will it keep the intimate intricacies of your relationship out of a sitcom pilot or Netflix special in five years? No, but at least the fine details will have to be reconstructed from memory instead of the page—inconvenient for them and you can believably say the joke wasn’t really based on you.
8. Be a Comedian
You know how they say it takes one to know one? Being a comedian doesn’t make it any easier to withstand the quirks, flaws, and insecurities of a fellow jokeslinger, but it does make it easier to empathize. Plus, you can work toward common goals together! Raise/ruin a child together!
And when it ends, you’ll both have a wealth of new material to mine from the heartbreak.