13 Ways To Make Home Feel Like The Bar During Quarantine

Depressed that bars are still closed due to a global pandemic? Feeling constrained by the smothering oppression of a fully stocked pantry…

Depressed that bars are still closed due to a global pandemic? Feeling constrained by the smothering oppression of a fully stocked pantry, unlimited online entertainment options, and a high-speed internet connection that lets you keep in touch with anyone in the known universe? Yearning to drunkenly snap your fingers at a cocktail server who’s earning half the minimum wage to put up with your bullshit?

Well, here are thirteen tips to help home sweet stay-at-home feel like the local watering hole you so desperately miss patronizing:

1. Swap out your living room couch and recliner for padded stools. Make sure one leg on each stool is 1/4 inch shorter than the rest, then level it with a folded cardboard coaster.

2. Buy a six-pack of beer from the grocery store. Pay with two twenty dollar bills and tell the cashier to *finger guns* keep the change.

3. Spill one of those $6 beers on your coffee table and don’t you dare clean it up.

4. If you have hardwood floors, mop them with beer then let it dry for that delightfully authentic sticky feeling underfoot.

5. Put a sporting event that you have no interest in on the tv.

6. Turn on some music you vaguely recognize but surely don’t enjoy, then crank the volume up to 11.

7. Dump approximately 4 cups of vomit on the floor just outside your bathroom door.

8. Throw away all the soap in the bathroom and break the lock on the door.

9. Splash warm water all over the bathroom sink and mirror

10. Carve your initials into the mirror and write your ex’s phone number on the wall next to the toilet.

11. Sprinkle some cocaine on the toilet seat.

12. Pee on the floor right next to the toilet. And behind the toilet. And a little on the sink.

13. Drop your phone and keys into the toilet.